Feline Trouble
by Krissy Mae Anderson
Summary: Rodney's turned into a telepathic cat. Cowritten with MistoKitt, and reposted here with her kindly permission. Slashy!
1. Chapter 1

_"Feline Trouble" by The Kitty Chicks_

**Title:** "Feline Trouble"  
**Authors:** The Kitty Chicks (aka Krissy Mae Anderson & MistoKitt)  
**Summary:** "Rodney's turned into a telepathic cat." Co-written with MistoKitt, and reposted here with her kindly permission. Slashy!  
**Rating:** K plus  
**Pairing:** McKay/Sheppard (sort of.)  
**Disclaimer:** The boys don't belong to us, alas, although the Evil Cat People do.  
**Authors' note:** It all started when Krissy Mae Anderson got a weird plotbunny, and told MistoKitt about it and the rest is history... Also, a big "thank you" to jenra who looked this chapter over for us.

part one

Elizabeth knew that her day had gone from bad to worse when Major Sheppard emerged from the Stargate with a large cat in his arms, and she  
heard Dr. McKay's voice swearing in her mind. She almost didn't want to ask, but unfortunately she knew that she had no choice in the matter.

"Where's Rodney?" She looked directly at John as the Stargate shut off behind the team and fervently hoped that there was some kind of a straightforward explanation.

John lifted the morose-looking feline up a little bit. "That's him."

_Hey!_ Rodney's voice cried out somewhat indignantly, _Do you MIND? How would you like it if I stuck my hands under your armpits and displayed you for the whole world to see?_

John smirked and went back to cradling the cat in his arms, not looking at all apologetic for what he'd just done.

"Please tell me that I'm horribly wrong about what I'm thinking here, Major." Elizabeth narrowed her eyes and frowned at the cat.

"No, you're not wrong. And this is not a hallucination." The cat gave Elizabeth a dirty look, and sneezed. "Gesundheit," John said to the cat, and continued, "Rodney's turned into a telepathic cat."

Ford chose that moment to start snickering uncontrollably.

"A telepathic... cat." Elizabeth said, looking from John to the cat and back to John again.

The cat made a swipe at Ford, but John yanked him away before his claws had a chance to sink into the Marine's arm.

"Now, now, Rodney, you've got to admit that your condition's a bit - interesting," John said, the corner of his mouth twitching slightly.

_Interesting? I'd like to see you overcome with the urge to eat tuna straight out of the can, chase a shadow across the room aimlessly, then go curl up somewhere warm and just nap for the next twelve hours straight. Then maybe you wouldn't think it was so 'interesting'. Wait, what am I saying, that sounds like you already._

"How did this happen?" Elizabeth asked, resisting an urge to rub her temples. The mild headache she had before was being amplified by McKay's voice talking inside her head, and the only good thing about the situation that she could see was that Sheppard hadn't been turned into a cat instead. It would have been awfully hard to explain to Earth that their armed forces on Atlantis were commanded by a pussy-cat.

Ford jumped in on that one before John could even open his mouth to explain. "Well, you see, there was this race of Evil Cat People..."

_Evil Cat People? Remind me again why we aren't letting you name things anymore?_

Ford continued as if Rodney hadn't interrupted, "They seem to think that humans are the equivalent of, well, pets." Ford smiled brightly, as if this were the funniest thing he'd heard all month.

"The Maurith, as they call themselves, look like what the Major says is a 'housecat', but are very intelligent," Teyla finally spoke up. "Upon negotiating with them, we had discovered that their race is quite advanced technologically-"

_Advanced only theoretically!_ Rodney interrupted again. _Because they can't build anything looking like this!_

"Rodney, they turned you into a cat. I don't think just how advanced they are is either theoretical or in question any more," John said,  
almost gently.

_Oh sure, morph one scientist into a housepet and suddenly everybody is all 'Oooh' and 'Aaah'. I didn't see them coming up with ways to save our collective asses from the Wraith! I didn't see any ZPMs just lying around their planet!_

"I don't see any ZPMs lying around here either," John said, smirking again.

_NOT my point. In any case, it's just a parlour trick, it'll wear off eventually._

"You hope." Ford muttered under his breath, looking like he was trying desperately not to laugh again.

This time, John didn't grab Rodney in time, and Ford discovered that being turned into a cat made Rodney much more belligerent than usual.

"Get - him - off!" Ford yelled, swatting at the gray blur that was attempting to shred his pant leg and probably sever an artery.

"Be careful, Lieutenant, don't hurt Doctor McKay!" Elizabeth entreated, wondering if Dr. Beckett would be nice enough to let her have a whole bottle of aspirin.

"Hurt HIM!" Ford practically bellowed, attempting to detach Rodney from his leg without losing any more skin then absolutely necessary.

"Rodney," John's voice was low and dangerous, "let the nice Lieutenant go."

_Are you kidding me? I may never get this opportunity again!_ Rodney's claws dug in deeper. Ford emitted a somewhat high-pitched noise. Teyla, normally fairly stoic, seemed to be turning an off shade of purple. Elizabeth wondered if she could get a morphine drip instead of the aspirin.

"I won't feed you if you don't let go right now, Rodney," John said, trying to help Ford extract Rodney's claws.

Rodney let go almost instantly. _Fine, but you use that against me again and I'm going to refer to you as my personal can opener for the rest of eternity._

"Lieutenant, you should go over to the infirmary and get checked out," Elizabeth said, very much wanting to join him. "And Rodney, you should probably also be checked out, but that can wait until Dr. Beckett is done with Lieutenant Ford. We're going to have a meeting about this - situation in two hours."

_Whatever._ Rodney licked his whiskers. _What's for dinner today?_


	2. Chapter 2

part two

John carried Rodney down to the mess hall and procured him some Athosian meatballs that he figured would be safe for a cat to eat. Rodney was uncharacteristically silent throughout the meal, which worried John somewhat. He thought about asking Rodney if he was okay, but it seemed like a dumb question to ask under the circumstances.

_What? Why are you staring at me? Do I have something on my face?_ Rodney sounded like his usual paranoid self and John relaxed a little.

"No, your sno- face is clean," John said, and after Rodney returned to his attack on the food, took another covert look. As a cat, Rodney was a gray-white tuxedo cat, with big, slightly lopsided ears, narrow snout, nervous eyes, and a slightly crooked tail, the tip of which was constantly twitching. John followed the wandering tail with his eyes and thought that they had been quite lucky not to run into anyone on the way down to the mess hall. John should have known that such luck wouldn't hold.

"Oh, what a cute kitty!"

John whipped around when he heard the high pitched squeal from the other side of the room. Two female scientists that John didn't know were standing just inside the doorway, staring at Rodney, and before John could do anything the two women practically ran over to the table.

"Where did you get him? Oh, he's just adorable!" the taller one cooed, and John wasn't sure whether to laugh or grab Rodney and run away.

Rodney hissed rather loudly and arched his back as the other woman reached out to touch him. _Don't even THINK about it!_

The woman jumped back with a yelp and clutched at her head. The other woman froze and stared at Rodney fearfully.

"Um, I don't think Doctor McKay is up for petting and cuddles right now, ladies..."

"Doctor McKay..." one of the women whispered. "That... what?"

_It's a long story that involves me being very heroic and brave, of course, but I'd rather not go into it right now._ Rodney settled down somewhat, or at least his fur stopped standing on end. _Major, I think I'd like to leave before any more groupies show up._ John picked up Rodney with one hand and the tray with the other, and after smiling at the goggle-eyed scientists, walked out, almost placing Rodney into the tray slot.

_Don't think I didn't see that,_ Rodney said scathingly as they exited the mess hall.

John ignored him and headed for the infirmary. He needed a break, and Carson might just be the only other person on this base that Rodney would allow near him at this point. He hoped.

They managed to make it all the way down to the infirmary without running into anyone else, much to Rodney's relief. Carson looked up when they came into the room, and John could have sworn that the doctor's left eye twitched.

"I've got another patient for you," John said, setting Rodney down on the exam table. "Hopefully he'll be more cooperative than Ford."

_Cooperative? When you start feeling the urge to cough up a furball, we'll see how cooperative YOU'LL feel at your next physical._ Rodney glared up at John from the exam table and then turned his back on both him and Carson.

"I am still not exactly sure how I can help," Carson said to Rodney's back, his eyes fixed on the tip of Rodney's furiously twitching tail. "I am not quite a veterinarian..."

"Just make sure he's not about to keel over, Carson." John smiled encouragingly.

_HEY!_ Rodney squeaked. _You don't need to up my paranoia here._

Carson muttered, "As if that were possible."

Rodney narrowed his eyes and lifted a paw, ready to strike.

"All right, all right. Let's just check your vitals then." Carson said.

_That's better._ Rodney stretched himself out on the table and looked around curiously. _Everything seems so huge,_ he mused when Carson pressed the stethoscope to his chest. _And damn! This thing is still cold as hell! What do you do, Carson, keep it on ice between patients?_

Carson withdrew the offending article out of the reach of Rodney's claws, and sighed. "I truly donnae know anything about cats, Rodney. Mice, yes, but I have no idea what a healthy cat's vitals are..."

_Well, I'm sorry that I made you realize that you weren't the be-all and end-all of things medical, Carson. Really, I can't tell you how bad I feel about bursting your bubble on this one,_ Rodney snarked.

"Oh, don't get your tail in a twist, Rodney," John said with a pat to Rodney's head. "Don't we have a zoologist around here, Carson?"

Carson brightened considerably. "Yes - I believe Dr. Garcia did her undergraduate research on tigers. I'll be right back!"

John reached out to pet Rodney again, but Rodney laid back his ears and made a low growling noise. _Do it and you lose the hand, flyboy._

"What? What'd I do?"

_"Don't get your tail in a twist!" "Your condition is a bit interesting!"_ Rodney's tail smacked audibly against the exam table. _Is my condition so very funny to you?_

John coughed lightly. "Of course not, Rodney. It's just... different."

_I am a fucking cat!_ Rodney got up and started to pace on the exam table. _When I woke up this morning I was a human being. I was a guy. I didn't have fur, or a tail. I had opposable thumbs!_

"Well, most of that's true, but I don't know about the fur part..."

_Oh, you're one to talk,_ Rodney said grumpily.

"Look on the bright side, you have a tail now."

_I think I hate you._

"We'll figure this out," John said, crouching so he was on eye level with Rodney. "And meanwhile, try to relax. I know it sounds stupid - but worrying is not going to help." After his motivational speech, John sat down next to Rodney and looked at him expectantly.

Rodney tried to continue being annoyed, but the offer was just too tempting after the day he'd had. He walked over to John and curled up on his lap. John looked down at Rodney, marveling at the pretzel-like position the latter managed to achieve, his hand reaching down almost automatically to stroke Rodney's fur. After a couple of minutes, Rodney tucked his nose into his folded paws and John felt a slight vibration under his hand.

"You're purring." John said, continuing his rhythmical petting.

_Don't get used to it,_ Rodney said, yawning contentedly. This was good – he would fall asleep with John stroking his back, feeling warm and safe, and when he woke up, everything would be back to normal...

Unfortunately for Rodney, his day was fated to suck. Just when he was halfway into a catnap, Manuela Garcia bounded into the room followed by a slightly winded Carson, and poor Rodney was whisked off John's lap and prodded by the excitable zoologist, who after five minutes declared him to be a healthy, if slightly chubby, cat.

_Who are you calling chubby?_ Rodney sounded somewhat offended.

"That whole telepathy thing is rather disconcerting, isn't it?" Doctor Garcia said, eyeing Rodney in such a way that it was pretty obvious she'd really like to be performing something more along the lines of autopsy on him.

"Well, we've got to go meet Elizabeth, don't we, Rodney?" John said, correctly surmising that he would be privy to yet another round of catfighting if he didn't get Rodney away from the too-curious zoologist. Manuela looked forlorn and was about to object, but John grabbed the pissed off Rodney and hurried out of the infirmary before she could say anything.

"Thanks for checking him out!" he called back over his shoulder, giving Rodney a light squeeze to stop him from saying anything else.

_I never thought I'd actually be happy to attend a debriefing,_ Rodney muttered as John headed for Elizabeth's office.

"You're happy about the concept of explaining all of this to Elizabeth?"

_Lesser of two evils,_ Rodney grouched. _Garcia was eyeing me like I was something she'd like to fillet for dinner._

"Yeah, I noticed that too. You just have a way with the ladies, McKay."

_Seriously, don't make me hurt you._


	3. Chapter 3

part three

John tapped a finger on the table. Elizabeth was being awfully quiet, and that was just never a good sign. John cleared his throat and prepared to break the silence.

Elizabeth beat him to it. "So... Explain."

"Well..." John fell silent again and looked at Rodney. Rodney gave him a dismayed "Why me?" look and remained quiet. Finally, Ford spoke up.

"When we first got to the planet we assumed there were no intelligent life forms there," Ford said with a slight smirk. "We were wrong."

_Whatever,_ Rodney muttered, not bothering to look up from where he was cleaning one of his paws. _You still can't prove to me that they're all that intelligent. Sentient, maybe, but I'd even question that._

"After exploring the area around the Stargate, we noticed the life-signs detector picking up several signals, but they were definitely not human-sized," John said. "We followed them, and to our surprise, the signals turned out to be coming from several cats."

"We weren't too worried at first," Ford put in. "Then we heard someone speak. Only we didn't hear anything. We just... um... heard it. Like in our heads. But not with our ears."

_I think we should amend the previous 'Ford isn't allowed to name anything' rule to 'Ford isn't allowed to speak. Ever,'_ Rodney said. He'd finished cleaning his paw and had curled up rather comfortably on the table in front of John.

"One of these 'cats', or the Maurith, introduced herself as Teisit, and demanded that we explain why we were trespassing on their land," Teyla said, the corners of her mouth twitching. "The Major told her that we were peaceful visitors, and Teisit..." Teyla trailed off and looked at Ford, who was turning red from silent laughter.

_I can still hurt you and not be held responsible for my actions, you know,_ Rodney said, glaring at Ford.

"I didn't say anything!" Alas, Ford's attempt at a straight face looked like it took way too much effort.

_It's not so much what you say as what you..._

"I think we're getting a little off track, gentlemen," Elizabeth interrupted. "Major, what did Teisit do?"

It was John's turn to redden.

"She... tackled me," John admitted. "She was surprisingly strong for such a small creature..."

"Tackled you." Elizabeth sounded somewhat incredulous.

_You should have seen it! He squealed like a gir..._

"Shut up, Rodney," John interjected, glaring at the cat. Rodney glared back. John rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to Elizabeth. "I expressed a mild amount of shock at such an action and tried to explain that we meant no harm to her or her people."

Rodney made a sound that was halfway between a growl and a hack. _You made a sound not generally heard outside of Backstreet Boys concerts, only with a lot more fright and a lot less glee, and then you started babbling about how you were really more of a dog person, and if they really wanted a human they could relate to then they ought to talk to me._ Rodney paused for a minute while John tried to disappear under the table. _Thanks, by the way. Now that I think about it, this is all your fault._

"How is it my fault?" John bit out, straightening. "I was ... surprised. And please - I didn't squeal. My voice merely cracked for a moment. Yours would too, if you had a small malicious furry creature sitting on you with her claws at your throat. Oh wait, you did have one sitting on you. Did you enjoy what's-his-name, Jolethai, jumping on you from the back?"

Rodney went silent for a moment, and if he'd had the ability to clear his throat, he would have. _In any case, we were attacked. Viciously. There were hundreds of them. Surrounding us._

"There were five." Teyla put in.

Rodney swished his tail. John cleared his throat for what seemed like the hundredth time. Ford looked like he was about to swallow his tongue.

"What happened next?" Elizabeth prompted, fighting the urge to thump her head on the table. "You're all here, and all - most of you are fine, so I assume you managed to find a common language with the Maurith."

There was a momentary pause before John finally spoke up. "We... negotiated. They took a rather immediate liking to Rodney, and pretty much ignored the rest of us."

_I can't help it if we finally meet an alien race with decent taste._

"Rodney, what did you talk about?" Elizabeth asked, rubbing her temples. Even the UN diplomats were never this infuriating...

_Various subjects. They seemed to recognize true genius when they saw it and appreciated me for my mind._ Rodney looked like he was preening a bit.

"They turned you into a cat," John pointed out.

_Because they saw my genius!_ Rodney said, offended. _They were trying to give me a gift._

"Wait, they turned you into a cat because you were intelligent?" Elizabeth looked confused.

"They turned him into a cat because he's an arrogant son of a..." John stopped before he could finish the sentence and looked at Rodney, who was ignoring him and had gone back to cleaning his paws.

_They know genius when they see it. The whole feline thing was a gift._

"You don't know that!" John practically yelled.

_I'm sorry, did you hear something? I thought I heard an annoying buzzing sound. Is there a fly in here?_ Rodney feigned innocence miserably, especially when he was flicking his tail in John's direction.

"Great, Rodney. Let me know how being a foot tall, naked and unable to write or hold large objects is working out for you in about a week. I'm sorry, but I don't think we're going to get any further today, so how about adjourning the meeting for now?" Elizabeth nodded, feeling somewhat relieved but even more confused than before. John rose from his seat and headed out of the room, stopping in the doorway for a moment. "Elizabeth, I will be by tomorrow to discuss this situation further," he said over his shoulder, and disappeared around the corner, his stomping footsteps echoing loudly in the suddenly quiet room.

_Hey, WAIT!_ Rodney yelled out. He leapt off the table and banged his chin on the floor. _Okay, ow!_

"I thought cats were supposed to land on their feet?" Ford said, staring at Rodney as he scurried toward the door.

_You, no speaking, remember!_ Rodney yelled as he ran from the room.

Elizabeth fought the urge to simply lay her head on the desk and go into hysterics. "Will someone please bottom-line this all for me? Do we know how long this is going to last, or if it's permanent at all?"

"I have almost forgotten to tell you, but we have been invited to visit the Maurith again in a week," Teyla said, still looking slightly perplexed by the earlier Sheppard/McKay spat. "I assume that Dr. McKay will be returned to his original form during that visit."

"Is there any reason not to believe that they will return him to his human form then?" Elizabeth asked somewhat desperately.

"No," Teyla said.

"Okay, well - we're going to assume that they can be trusted to do so for the time being." Elizabeth looked at the two remaining team members. "Doctor Beckett informed me that Rodney is all right for now, and as there doesn't seem to be a great deal that we can do for him until the meeting, we're just going to have to live with this until the Maurith change him back."

"Respectfully, ma'am?" Ford asked. "Request permission to be assigned ANYWHERE but the labs for the next week?" He made sure to show off his newly acquired bandage as he made the request.

"Granted," Elizabeth said. "Dismissed." As Teyla and Ford left the office, Elizabeth tried desperately to stop herself from either breaking into laughter or tears. This was most definitely not in her job description.

John had lain on his bed staring at the ceiling for a quite a while, cursing himself for his childish outburst during the debriefing. He didn't know what to do, didn't know what to think. There wasn't exactly any literature on the subject he could read. "What To Do When Your Lover Turns Into A Pussy?" and "Being In a Relationship With A Cat" were not exactly waiting for him at the Atlantis library. A hysterical giggle found its way out and John clasped a hand over his mouth.

He heard a distinct yowling start up outside his door. "When Lovers Yowl," he thought, opening the door to let Rodney in, still fighting the urge to break into hysterical laughter.

_Do you have ANY idea what I just had to go through to get here?_ Rodney said, sounding somewhat traumatized.

John looked him over and noticed that he did look somewhat... ruffled.

"Well, I didn't exactly ask you to come and visit," he said, still feeling somewhat bitter. "You could have been safe and sound, with Ford conveying you straight to your room and guarding you from the groupies."

_My room? MY ROOM?_ Now Rodney definitely sounded pissed. _Have you lost what's left of your mind? What exactly would I do in my room? Sit there meowing at the door until someone finally let me out in the morning?_

"I'm not your personal attendant, Rodney," John said sullenly.

_Fine, you want me to leave?_ Rodney turned back toward the door.

"You can sleep on the chair, if you want," John said, flopping down on the bed again and returning to his previous pastime of counting ceiling tiles. "I won't kick you out for being yourself."

_Oh, how very gracious of you,_ Rodney snapped, hopping up onto the chair. _Really, I'd hate to put you out._

"No trouble at all," John said back, equally as sarcastic.

Rodney curled up on the chair, his back to John, and tried not to look as dejected as he felt.

John rolled over, his back to Rodney, and tried not to feel as dejected as he was sure he looked.

They had laid like that for an hour, and finally Rodney couldn't stand the silence anymore. In two leaps he was on the bed, poking John's back with a paw.

"What?" John grouched, though he was pretty sure that he sounded more sad than angry when he said it.

Rodney sat down behind him and put his paws up on John's shoulder, laying his head on his paws as he studied John's profile. _I... Don't be angry with me,_ Rodney pleaded, then sighed. _It's been a rough day._

"I know," John said, lifting his hand so he could scratch behind Rodney's ear. "It's just - it's kinda hard for me too, you know."

Rodney made a sound that could have almost been a sigh. Or maybe a yawn. John sighed as well. "Come on," he said, rolling over.

Rodney cuddled into John's side and wrapped his tail around himself. _So, all's forgiven?_

"Well, I wouldn't say all, but..."

Rodney began to purr lightly and John rubbed his head again.

_Well, at least you can't say your life is dull..._

John let out a laugh that sounded somewhat saner this time. "Never that Rodney, definitely never that."

Rodney purred louder and started to knead his new bed.

"OUCH! Watch it, or I'll have you de-clawed!" John said, extracting Rodney's claws from his side.

_You wouldn't dare._

"Try me." John said with a smile.

Rodney didn't respond, knowing perfectly well that John would never do anything like that to a cat, but nevertheless paid more attention to his claws as he continued to knead the sheet and John's T-shirt.

John continued to lightly stroke Rodney's fur, letting his own eyes drift shut as the rhythmic purring lulled him into a sense of security. He'd never been a cat person before, but he was beginning to see the appeal. As he dozed off, he thought he could almost get used to the small lump of warmth curled tightly against his side.

Rodney continued to purr, which was admittedly not something he'd EVER thought he would do before. As he felt John beginning to drift off, and the hand on his fur slowed to a stop, he thought briefly about kneading his new bed again, but decided to let his lover sleep. Rodney pushed his nose under John's arm and let himself slip into sleep as well.


	4. Chapter 4

part four

John was having the weirdest dream. Rodney was wearing nothing but whipped cream, but for some reason he wasn't letting anyone lick it off unless they ate the rug in his room. So John, having eaten all kinds of crap in survival training, decided that chewing on an Ancient rug was a small sacrifice. He cut off a piece and started munching on it, but it suddenly had developed a life of its own and jumped on his face and tried to suffocate him. John attempted to push the rug off, but it was clinging to his face. He couldn't breathe, damn it! And for some reason, Rodney was laughing at him hysterically.

"Pfweh!" John spat, and swatted at the rug. The rug scratched him and John's eyes flew open just as Rodney flew across the room with an indignant yowl.

_Oh, sure, I see how it is!_ Rodney seethed from the floor. _Toss the cat unceremoniously to the floor! What the hell was that for anyway?_

"Were you sleeping on my face?" John said before frantically wiping the back of his hand at his tongue, which seemed to have developed a fur coat overnight.

Rodney jumped back up on the bed but kept away from John, glaring at him accusingly.

_I wasn't sleeping there! You were sleeping like a sack of – like a log, and I need my sustenance, thank you very much, so I was just trying to get you up so we can get out of here and have some food._

John glared back at him, but the glare was disrupted by a cough. "Well, there are more polite ways to wake people up than giving them hairballs..."

_**You** are not even allowed to complain about hairballs. You should see what I hacked up last night! Actually, you will see. Be careful where you step when you finally get your ass out of bed._

John looked both disgusted and irritated. "You didn't..."

_Hey, so not my fault. Also, did I mention I was hungry? Because, you know, some food would be nice right now,_ Rodney said as he cleaned a paw.

"Well, it's gonna ha-khah! - have to wait now," John said crossly, getting up from the bed and avoiding the hairball. "I'm gonna shower. And shave. And vacuum! And then we eat."

_Oh, sure, starve me to death! It's not like I can fend for myself here, you know,_ Rodney grumbled as he curled up on the indent in John's pillow.

John ignored him and headed for the bathroom, mumbling something that Rodney couldn't quite hear but which contained the word "neuter". Rodney tried to flip him a bird, but realized that he didn't have a middle finger anymore, so he settled for sticking his tongue out at John's back.

John sneezed as he emerged from the shower and winced at the echo from the bathroom walls. What did the Ancients need such huge bathrooms for? On second thought, he didn't really want to know. He wiped his face with a towel, and sneezed again. Suddenly, John was hit with a dreadful suspicion. A quick glance into the mirror showed bloodshot eyes, a red nose and a puffy face.

"Shit!"

_What the hell happened to you?_ Rodney asked when John rushed out of the bathroom, dripping on the floor. _I mean, you're usually kind of a mess in the morning, but this is a whole new level._

John glared at Rodney and sneezed again. "I'm not a mess in the morning!" He located a clean pair of BDU pants under the table and pulled them on. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. Let's go eat."

_Not to sound totally unappreciative about the fact that you've finally come to your senses about the food situation or anything, because I really am wasting away to nothing over here, but I know you better then that. Why do you look like you just spent an hour sobbing into your rather comfortable pillow?_ Rodney kneaded said pillow but didn't budge an inch toward the door.

John grimaced and scratched his still-stubbled cheek. "Well-" he began. "I think... I am not a doctor, but-"

_Oh God!_ Rodney stopped kneading the pillow and stared at John in horror. _Something's wrong with me, isn't it? I mean, something other than the obvious. You and Carson, you talked and decided not to tell me because you didn't want to upset me, right? This is permanent, isn't it? I'm not dying, am I? Oh God, I'm totally dying! How could you keep this from me? I realize you just wanted me to live out my last few days in peace but you had no right to..._

"Rodney! It's not you!" John snapped, now scratching his cheek with more gusto. "Well, it is you- sort of. Breakfast's gonna have to wait, because I think I'm allergic to – to cats, and I need to go see Carson before I claw my eyes out."

Rodney cocked his head to the side and treated John to a narrow-eyed stare. _Allergic? Oh PLEASE! I'm practically having an aneurism over here, thinking of all the things I'm going to need you to do after I'm gone to make sure this place doesn't sink back into the ocean, and you're standing there looking all upset because you're allergic to me!_ Rodney huffed and jumped off the bed.

"Well, excuse me for thinking you might be upset about my being unable to be around you during all this!" John glared at him.

_Like you're getting out of it that easy. There's this wonderful little invention called antihistamines, you know._ Rodney padded over to the door and looked at John expectantly. _Well, come on, the sooner you let Carson give you the magic pills, the sooner we can eat._

John gave him a dirty look and then glared at the door, which snapped open so fast that Rodney tumbled out into the corridor. This brought a smile to John's face, but it quickly vanished as the tip of his nose began to itch.

* * *

"It's not that uncommon, Major. A lot of people have pet allergies," Carson said as he got up to dispose of the lancet.

John sighed and stared at the spot on his forearm where the word "cat" was written in permanent marker. "I don't have pet allergies. I have Rodney allergies."

"I can think of at least ten people in the labs that wish they could use that excuse on a daily basis," Carson mumbled, as he rifled through the drug cabinet, trying to locate the medication John would need if the test came back positive.

John fought the urge to scratch the test site. "Well, now they might have it. You should announce it just in case – Rodney probably wouldn't like if people got sick because of him."

_Oh sure,_ Rodney sounded irked. _Give them an excuse to get out of work and then make it sound like I'd be a jerk for denying them the leave. How about I just start saying I'm allergic to stupid? Maybe Elizabeth will let me work from my room from now on._

Carson re-appeared from the cabinet and peered at John's arm.

"You're allergic, all right," he said, and John rolled his eyes. Rodney tried to continue his rant, but they both ignored him and he fell silent.

"Take these pills twice a day." Carson put a pill bottle on the table and reached John some pills along with a glass of water. "There's enough there for a week. And here are some eye drops, too..."

John swallowed the pills gratefully, stashed the offered medications in his pockets and furtively scratched his arm again. "Thanks, Carson. So you'll send out a group e-mail later?" he said, pointedly ignoring Rodney.

"I'm on top of it, no worries."

John hopped down off the exam table and sneezed. "Good. I'd hate for anybody to go through this if it can be avoided." He looked around for Rodney, but the latter was nowhere to be seen. John frowned.

"Hey, did you see where Rodney went?" he asked the doctor.

Carson shrugged. "Well, he was right here a moment..."

A loud squeak from the back corner of the infirmary made both of them turn around. Rodney sat next to one of the cages Carson kept in that corner. The cage door was ajar and something long and thin that looked suspiciously like a mouse tail was sticking out of Rodney's mouth.

"RODNEY!" Carson yelled in horror.

_AAAAAAH!_ Rodney spat the dazed-looking mouse out onto the floor and frantically rubbed at his face with a paw. _If I catch anything from this - vermin, it'll be all your fault, Sheppard!"_

John just stood there gaping at him for a moment. "My fault? I don't recall telling you to eat one of Carson's lab mice!" John made a face that clearly said he was too disgusted for words.

_I told you I was starving!_ Rodney whined, eyeing the cage full of mice longingly. _You see what I had to resort to? If you could have held off on your little allergy freak out for another half hour, none of this would have happened._

"Well, if you hadn't rubbed yourself all over my face I wouldn't be itching in places I didn't know existed before this morning!" John snapped and then realized that Carson was now staring at him strangely. "Oops, that came out wrong..."

"I don't want to know." Carson said after a moment.

"I can exp..." John began.

"No, really, I don't want to know at all. Take Rodney and get out of here," Carson practically begged.

_Carson, did any of those mice have..._

"OUT!" Carson shouted and pointed at the door.

John scooped up Rodney from the table and headed for the door. _I'm going to be in therapy for life now, you know,_ Rodney complained as they left the office.

"I think Carson will be joining you there," John remarked darkly.

Carson slumped down into his chair as their bickering voices faded into the distance. They really didn't pay him enough for this, he decided. Something scurried across his foot and Carson jumped out of the chair and looked down just in time to see one of his mice run behind the exam table. No, there really wasn't enough liquor in either galaxy to compensate for this.

**to be continued in the near future whenever the authors are online at the same time... :-)  
**


	5. Chapter 5

part 5

Rodney jumped down from John's arms just as they reached the door to the labs. _I'll walk from here, thanks._

"Since when do you want to walk anywhere?" John asked, raising an eyebrow. 

_I need to maintain my authority around here. I can't exactly manage that if I have YOU carrying me everywhere._ Rodney huffed as he sat down in front of the door, waiting for John to open it. _I mean, how do you think it looks - me having to get the head of the military to carry me around like I'm some kind of royalty or something... Wait, on second thought, pick me back up and let me preen for them. Maybe I'll get a little more respect from having you at my beck and call._

"I'm not so sure about that," John said as he rolled his eyes, and bent to pick Rodney up again. "And... this is just a suggestion, but maybe you should consider laying off the meatballs for a day or two, seriously."

Rodney glared at him, which was somewhat less then intimidating coming from a cat. _Or maybe more intimidating than usual,_ John couldn't quite decide. He cleared his throat and changed the subject. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

_Just because I'm now small and furry doesn't mean that I'm not still the smartest person here,_ Rodney said disdainfully as they walked into the main lab.

Their entrance seemed to have had all the subtlety of a nuclear explosion, as everyone attempted to stare at Rodney while still pretending to work, which lead to a biochemist almost creating a mouse/Wraith hybrid when he turned to look while in the middle of an experiment.

_Point in fact,_ Rodney said as several of the scientists yelled and scrambled to help the hapless biochemist. _Just set me down at my work station._

John rolled his eyes and plopped Rodney down on the table next to his laptop. "You're going to be alright by yourself? I've got a few things I need to do." Rodney just stared at him. "Right, never mind. I'll be back later." John headed for the door, neatly sidestepping Zelenka, who looked like he'd rather John didn't leave the scientists alone with a version of Rodney that had built-in claws.

Rodney stretched with satisfaction, listened to his spine pop loudly, decided that being a cat was really nice in a way, because he could stretch much better then usual, gave a staring lab tech a dirty look, and settled down in front of the laptop on his hind paws. The power button was easy enough, and Rodney couldn't suppress a happy "Mrrrrrrowr". Password window came next. They didn't really need passwords on Atlantis outside the gate room, but Rodney's laptop protected some of the most important ideas in the universe, and he was not about to leave them in the open for everyone to steal. Rodney hit the keys for his password, and then the "Enter" key with his paws.

_Invalid Password._

Rodney blinked at the screen. _That couldn't be right._ He tapped the keys again and smacked the enter key.

_Invalid Password._

Rodney looked down at his keyboard as he typed the third time, and that's when he realized that, while he could aim for the keys he wanted, he tended to hit at least three other keys at the same time. He couldn't type! Rodney let out a bloodcurdling yowl that had everyone in the room either shrinking back in horror, or barely resisting the urge to come help him, the latter group obviously unable to resist anything that could sound so pathetic.

He gave the idiots a death glare and bared his teeth - his sharp, pointy teeth. It seemed to discourage most of them, except for Miko, who continued to hover nearby. Rodney frowned, and with a sinking feeling in his stomach, remembered John's words from the debriefing. _Hmmm..._ There had to be a way he could type! He hated dictating stuff, because his ideas never sounded clear when he explained them out loud to other people before they were completely formulated, and there was also the matter of intellectual theft he didn't want to contemplate... Rodney looked at his paws, and sighed with disgust. _If only voice recognition software worked with telepathic thoughts..._

Zelenka appeared next to him just then, typed in the password and hit "Enter".

_Gee, thanks,_ Rodney hissed at him. _But that's really not going to solve any... WAIT! How did you know my password?_

Zelenka just shrugged and walked away without saying a word.

Rodney debated going after him, but just then he swished his tail and had a brilliant idea. _Okay, ANOTHER brilliant idea, but a brilliant idea nonetheless._

His tail was thin enough to hit just one key at once! Rodney tried this out and after some practice managed to set a good pace for himself, although the drawback of the tail-typing was that he had to sit with his back to the computer as he typed. _Or maybe it wasn't a drawback,_ he thought, giving the evil eye to the gawkers.

_Hey! Is there a holiday today I know nothing about?_ Rodney snapped, and several scientists flinched. _Because I'd really like to know why no one is doing any work._

Miko and several others rushed back to their respective work stations. Rodney felt slightly better, knowing that he could still get them to do their work even if he was small enough to be easily punted across the room. _And God, wasn't that a frightening thought?_ Rodney continued tapping at the keys with his tail and renewed his glare at the room in general.

"You'd think Weir would have thought to restrict something as dangerous as a compromised scientist to the brig. Or at least their quarters," a voice from behind him called out, obviously not intimidated by his stare. Rodney craned his neck around to see who was idiotic enough to cross him when he was obviously having an absolutely vile day. Kavanaugh. He should have known.

_I am perfectly fine._ Rodney stopped typing and snapped the lid closed with his paws before Kavanaugh could see any of his new calculations. _I am not compromised at all. Beckett and Garcia declared me totally healthy._

Kavanaugh sneered at him. "Not compromised? You're a CAT! If they can change your body so drastically, who knows what they could have done to your mind. You should be locked up, and that planet should be taken out of the dialing programs."

_Oh yes, because tucking our tails and running for the hills every time some weird thing happens in this galaxy is going to help us so much!_ Rodney tried not to wince at his own unfortunate choice in words.

"You really have been hanging around Sheppard too much, haven't you?" Kavanaugh crossed his arms and glared at Rodney. "Listen to yourself, you sound just like him. Just like one of those idiotic military..."

Rodney'd had enough. He leapt from the table and launched himself at Kavanaugh's leg with a speed that would have astounded even himself, if he wasn't busy being completely irate. _Don't go there, Kavanaugh! You want to insult me, that's fine, take your best shot._ Rodney began clawing his way up Kavanaugh's leg, ignoring the other man's screams for help. _But don't you DARE start talking about Sheppard behind his back! The man's hair has more intelligence then you!_

Kavanaugh seemed to have stopped listening, in favor of yelping "Get it off, my God, won't somebody GET IT OFF OF ME!" repeatedly. Unfortunately, nobody in the lab seemed to be in all that big of a hurry to throw themselves between the two combatants.

It was at this point that the door opened and John poked his head in. Seeing Rodney attached to yet another leg, he sighed and stepped inside the room.

"I leave you alone for an hour, and you've already turned feral," he said, leaning against Rodney's desk and observing the flailing Kavanaugh with interest.

_I'm not feral. I'm PISSED OFF!_

"Detach! Release! Unclaw! GET OFF!" Kavanaugh was hopping around shaking the leg Rodney had attached himself to. "Major, would you please DO SOMETHING!"

_Oh, he is the LAST person you should be asking for help right now!_ Rodney exclaimed, digging in just a little bit more.

"Be thankful he's not humping you," Zelenka muttered under his breath and suddenly found everyone in the room, Rodney included, staring at him. "What? My cat, when I was little... he was ... too affectionate."

"Okaaaaay," John drawled, reminding himself that he now owed Dr. Zelenka a really disgusting mental image. "Rodney, do you want me to involve Carson in this? After what happened this morning?"

Rodney remained attached, but stopped trying to move upwards. He turned his head and looked at John speculatively. _It might be worth it._

"Another trip to the infirmary..." John almost sing-songed.

Rodney sighed and slid back down Kavanaugh's leg. He kept his claws out the whole way down, though.

Kavanaugh held onto his injured leg and turned his glare on John. "If I get some kind of intergalactic rabies or something..."

_We could only be so lucky!_ Rodney muttered.

"Kavanaugh, so see Doctor Beckett and get those scratches looked at. And try not to terrorize anybody on your way down there." Sheppard said, giving the man a look that just begged him to try and say anything else.

Kavanaugh opened his mouth, thought better of it, closed it and stormed out, his shredded BDU pant leg flapping as he walked. Rodney hopped up on a chair, looking smug.

_I don't think he's gonna be bothering me anytime soon._ He looked down at his paws and grimaced. _Ew. I hope I didn't catch anything from him._

"But he'll be bothering Beckett, and Elizabeth, and everyone else who will listen," John pointed out. "Let's face it - this is not exactly an isolated incident..."

_Oh, come on, I was provoked!_ Rodney protested. _It was self defense, anyone here will vouch for me._

John looked around the room and thought that the other scientists actually looked a little like they wanted to run away but feared for their very souls. "Rodney, you're going to get in trouble for this, and you know it. Let's just get this over with and get you out of the lab now."

Rodney looked up at John from the chair he was perched on. His eyes seemed to get bigger and... poutier.

"Oh, now that's just not fair!" John said, smiling despite himself.

"My god, it's like he has some strange new super power." Zelenka looked at Rodney, mystified.

_I'm adorable, you can deny me nothing. Admit it,_ Rodney whined, letting out a plaintive "Meow" for good measure.

John shook his head, snapping out of the cuteness-induced daze. "Still, you know this won't work on Elizabeth, so you need to stop letting the cat instincts take over the moment you're pissed at someone. You might end up under house arrest if this happens again. Three strikes and you're out, remember?"

_Fine, fine. No more attacking not-so-innocent bystanders,_ Rodney groused, leaping down from the chair and winding himself in between John's legs, rubbing up against his ankles and purring.

John reached down and snatched Rodney up. "What did I just say about ignoring your cat instincts?" he whispered, staring Rodney in the face.

_Not to attack people,_ Rodney said, butting his head against John's and rubbing their cheeks together with another low purr.

John tucked Rodney into his arms, tried to tell himself that everyone in the lab was most definitely NOT staring at them, and quickly headed for the door.

**to be continued...**


End file.
